pain

so, for the first time in my life, i've been experiencing people not accepting my mental illness. my family dr here that i went to see, when i told him i was borderline, he asked if i was sure b/c "don't borderlines not care for anybody but themselves? if you are, should a career in psychology really be what you should be doing?" and then, i asked a friend for advice on a dr to see in anchorage. he knows about by bpd and said he'd ask a clinician friend. the friend said he didn't know of anyone but suggested some therapists and then told him not to be my friend b/c i'm borderline. "borderlines are basically, 'i hate you, don't leave me' which is actually the title of a book about bpd." i guess i always knew there was a stigma over mental illness, but have never experienced it, and certainly didn't expect it from medical professionals! i literally cried over being judged for something i have not on who i am.

also, i had TACT-2 training today. the physical training day. and it caused my SI-joint dysfunction to act up and i ended up leaving early, in tears, to go to the chiropractor. he said i had a pretty bad torqued hip and he fixed it but has me coming back tomorrow. stupid hip. i have to ice it every hour for 15 minutes. it hurts.

migraine

so, i think it's the lack of humidity, because i think i'm about at sea level, but i keep getting these awful migraines! i'm at home sick today because of it. i hope i feel better soon.

Rocky Horror

i just bought the season 2 part 1 of Glee. and so just earlier i was thinking about last halloween and going to rocky horror (i dunno why i was thinking of this...just came from the recesses of my mind.) and i put in disc 2 of glee and the first episode is the Rocky Horror Glee show!!! strange, right? well, i woke up early, took a shower, blow dried my hair (which means it's super curly) am going to eat a real breakfast and get to work on time. *hooray!* oh, and happy Good Friday. a coworker invited me to Easter lunch with her family. i hope she was serious. b/c i don't want to be alone for Easter.

smile for the camera

so, i'm acting all happy and cheerful. i have to. can't let it get to me. this is what my mental illness does. i see one thing that's upsetting and let it ruin my life. i was on postsecret.com and saw a card that read: when you have a relationship with a person with mental illness, you have a relationship with mental illness, not a person. wow. that's my biggest fear put into words and on the internet for everyone to read. as in, how much does my mental illness define me? i struggle against it, but it's a personality disorder, therefore, it defines my personality. my fear: how can someone love someone like me? i'm almost ok with being alone the rest of my life, but not completely ok with it yet. so for now, i'll put on a masking smile and go help others fight their mental illnesses and addictions at my job. it's the only thing i can do.

ow

so, i have either the crud (which the bethel crud is supposed to stay with you forever) or strep, which the kids at the center HAVE had so it's quite possible i have it. my throat just KILLS. and i'm coughing a little, but i do that whenever i have pains in my throat or chest (i cough when i have heartburn) so i don't know if coughing is necessarily a symptom. i'm gonna drink some hot tea with honey and hope that helps.

work

i'm so excited! i got a new shift at work, the day shift! i'll be working in the classroom and my new title is "senior psychiatric technician/special education aide" fancy, i know! it's gonna be 8-4 mon-fri. i dunno how i'm gonna start waking up that early when right now i wake up at 1pm, but we'll figure it out. i'm also taking a pay cut, which sucks. BUT i think i'm gonna have a permanent babysitting job that may offset that pay cut. plus, it'll give me my baby fix. b/c even though ever since i've moved to bethel i've been annoyed to death with mothers and their kids who don't behave and are never watched or disciplined, i think i've recovered from that and am now wanting a baby of my own. however, i've figured out that i'm going to be the worst stage mom in history!!! i really hope my kid loves dance and music like i do and i hope my kid doesn't hate me for trying to make them better at it. but yeah, stage mom, me. crap. but anyway, just wanted to share my good news. and by the by, i don't have any prospects (although my no-longer-yupik-crush was talking to me about getting married....SCARY) so i'm not gonna get knocked up any time soon. i just want to be. :)

ZUMBA con.

http://justnancydrew.blogspot.com/2011/04/juliadancezumba.html