Rocky Horror

i just bought the season 2 part 1 of Glee. and so just earlier i was thinking about last halloween and going to rocky horror (i dunno why i was thinking of this...just came from the recesses of my mind.) and i put in disc 2 of glee and the first episode is the Rocky Horror Glee show!!! strange, right? well, i woke up early, took a shower, blow dried my hair (which means it's super curly) am going to eat a real breakfast and get to work on time. *hooray!* oh, and happy Good Friday. a coworker invited me to Easter lunch with her family. i hope she was serious. b/c i don't want to be alone for Easter.

smile for the camera

so, i'm acting all happy and cheerful. i have to. can't let it get to me. this is what my mental illness does. i see one thing that's upsetting and let it ruin my life. i was on postsecret.com and saw a card that read: when you have a relationship with a person with mental illness, you have a relationship with mental illness, not a person. wow. that's my biggest fear put into words and on the internet for everyone to read. as in, how much does my mental illness define me? i struggle against it, but it's a personality disorder, therefore, it defines my personality. my fear: how can someone love someone like me? i'm almost ok with being alone the rest of my life, but not completely ok with it yet. so for now, i'll put on a masking smile and go help others fight their mental illnesses and addictions at my job. it's the only thing i can do.

ow

so, i have either the crud (which the bethel crud is supposed to stay with you forever) or strep, which the kids at the center HAVE had so it's quite possible i have it. my throat just KILLS. and i'm coughing a little, but i do that whenever i have pains in my throat or chest (i cough when i have heartburn) so i don't know if coughing is necessarily a symptom. i'm gonna drink some hot tea with honey and hope that helps.

work

i'm so excited! i got a new shift at work, the day shift! i'll be working in the classroom and my new title is "senior psychiatric technician/special education aide" fancy, i know! it's gonna be 8-4 mon-fri. i dunno how i'm gonna start waking up that early when right now i wake up at 1pm, but we'll figure it out. i'm also taking a pay cut, which sucks. BUT i think i'm gonna have a permanent babysitting job that may offset that pay cut. plus, it'll give me my baby fix. b/c even though ever since i've moved to bethel i've been annoyed to death with mothers and their kids who don't behave and are never watched or disciplined, i think i've recovered from that and am now wanting a baby of my own. however, i've figured out that i'm going to be the worst stage mom in history!!! i really hope my kid loves dance and music like i do and i hope my kid doesn't hate me for trying to make them better at it. but yeah, stage mom, me. crap. but anyway, just wanted to share my good news. and by the by, i don't have any prospects (although my no-longer-yupik-crush was talking to me about getting married....SCARY) so i'm not gonna get knocked up any time soon. i just want to be. :)

ZUMBA con.

http://justnancydrew.blogspot.com/2011/04/juliadancezumba.html    

explanation

the previous post was an explanation to a friend of why i support To Write Love On Her Arms. please check out their website: www.twloha.com   it's my favorite non-profit organization because they help people like me. if you read this blog, and have any questions about me, cutting, depression, borderline, or anything, leave a comment with your question and i'll be happy to answer it in the next post. as you may be realizing, this is kind of a serious blog, which may account for the small amount of visitors i have. it's ok. i'm writing this blog for me, and if i help someone along the way, that's awesome. if you want a fun, funny blog, please check out justnancydrew.blogspot.com  she's my friend and we have links to each other's blogs back and forth. now, just because my blog isn't filled with hilarity, don't think i have no sense of humor. as nancy drew can attest, i am quite funny. or at least i have my moments. and i'm friends with her (she's hilarious) so i obviously have a sense of humor. i'm just used to journaling and writing poetry, i'm not used to writing for entertainment. i'm still working on that. i have a novel that i'm working on...slowly but surely...and it deals with serious stuff too. i guess i try so hard in real life to be entertaining, when i'm writing i just want to be real. so this blog, it's real. i may try to be witty sometimes, but that's probably as close to funny as i'll get. it's hard work for me to not be serious. i'm the most "me" when i'm writing. and i don't want to joke about me. not here. not in black and white.

opening up

so, let's start at the beginning. no, lets start at the real beginning. so, when i was in the 7th grade i got depressed. and depression runs in my family (and it's a side effect of being a carrier of Fragile X Syndrome...you have google, i'm gonna throw some terms at ya and you can research yourself. you're a teacher, you should be good at that.) so, my depression and anxiety got treated all throughout middle school and high school. in high school, i "flirted" with anorexia and bulimia and i became a cutter. i would say cutter lite. lol. so, anyway, high school comes and goes, college comes, and i get engaged to my high school sweet heart. 6 mos into the engagement, he breaks up with me b/c he says he's "not ok with the fact our children might not be normal." yeah, jackass. so this sends me into a downspiral. i start cutting really bad again, i start abusing my prescription medication, even overdose once (accidentally.). so, turns out i'm bipolar and have borderline personality disorder. now, borderlines are called borderline (here's a history lesson for you) b/c they are considered on the border between sane and insane. there are high functioning borderlines (ie me. also princess diana.) and low functioning borderlines (can't hold a job, etc.) the girls ranch you may have heard me mention before is a residential treatment facility for girls with psychiatric problems, like borderline, schizo, bipolar, anorexia, depression, the works. i was a client there for 10mos. after i graduated the program, they liked me so much and thought i did so well they offered me their first ever internship. i promised to work there 6mos. and i did. until they started treating me like a client again. so when my 6mos was up, i hit the door running. they did a good job of teaching me to put on a smiley face and not let the world see my pain. for which i am grateful. helps with the everyday functioning. however, they never addressed any of my deeper issues, so i'm still all screwed up. i tell people i AM a cutter because it's like alcoholism, once you're an alcoholic, you're always an alcoholic. i fight against the urge to cut every single day. and i don't always win. so when i learned about TWLOHA i thought it was the perfect non-profit for me to support. they do so much good. so i got "love" tattooed on the arm that i cut on, so when i do have the urge, i have a physical reminder that i shouldn't cut. so. that's my story. that's not why i'm in the psychology field. i'm in the psychology field b/c of the Fragile X Syndrome thing. i want to go into developmental psychology. that's what i want my PhD in. if you have any questions, feel free to ask (via fb or in the truck on the way to pick up my boxes, lol) b/c i'm a very honest person and will be more than happy to answer questions to help you understand. for the general audience i usually leave out most of that and say i interned at a girls ranch (truth) and if they've earned it that i'm bipolar (also truth). among these gems, i'm also ADHD and have panic disorder and generalized anxiety disorder. my maternal grandmother is a paranoid schizophrenic so i'm constantly worried that all my crazy will develop into that. Kevin made a funny comment the other day, that i'm not crazier than other people, i just have more credentials. which is totally true. so, there's the connection for you. and probably more than you wanted to know. but there it is anyway. i hope after reading this and any research you may do (wikipedia is awesome SOMETIMES) that you still want to be my friend. it's ok, i always take that gamble when i open up. i'm prepared for it.

ZUMBA

so, i did 20minutes of zumba today for the first time in like 5 months. i probably could've done more, but i was tired and thirsty. it's friggin dry here in alaska. i don't have much to say. my well of information is dry.