addendum

while the information found on the previous website is technically all true, it should be told that my grandfather is no longer MIA status from that crash. the week of 9/11/01, we buried his remains. the day after the plane crashes, my grandfather's remains were the only thing in the air other than fighter pilots. this website pays proper tribute to the life we honor and remember. if you read the previous website, and even if you didn't, please read THIS:
http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=9255048

Englewood CO

so, looking at my pageviews and someone visited from Englewood, CO. that's where my grandfather's from!

check it:
http://www.pownetwork.org/bios/a/a020.htm

ugh!

so, apparently Manny Garcia (a youtube favorite) had a cover of It's a wonderful world up and youtube takes all covers of that song down. SO, it was up till midnight, and i missed it. then, i get on twitter and apparently Jaime Tworkowski and TWLOHA were in Troy and I'M NOT THERE!!! crap. and postsecret was in washington, and i'm SO close. grah. so now i'm frustrated. and i'm at work covering a graveyard shift. so tomorrow (my actual first day of the week) is going to be terribly long. i have a drs appointment tomorrow...wait, correction, i have a long awaited drs appointment tomorrow. i'm finally gonna get a Rx for all my meds and can get back on them. which is REALLY good b/c i've been off my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for a while now, and hopefully no one can tell, but i'm starting to crumble around the cracks. every day i want to cry over some such nonsense. at least i'm at a point in my life where i can say it IS just nonsense and can move on. but soon, i'll be feeling sorry for myself and the fact that i'm all falling apart. so it's good that i'm getting to my drs. getting a dr in bethel is good. i NEED a go-to guy. so, my coworker here at work, i desperately want him to just take me up in his arms and make the world go away. pathetic, huh? especially since he has a girlfriend he's in love with and is not interested in me at all. i've dealt with that. i'm ok with it. really. doesn't mean i don't still want him to make the world go away. that's a little difficult to shut off. and i so think that he would totally get me if we were together. so that makes it harder. if i just thought he was dreamy but didn't think we were compatible, it would be different. but i can already see us being best friends (i think i've already written about him on here, so i'll try not to repeat myself). so i KNOW we would be compatible. but, he'll just have to make things bright and shiny as my friend for now. but i can still hope, right? right. so, apparently my sleep walking/talking crap is back. i let my yupik in the door the other day without knowing that, and that scares the hell out of me. i mean, ok, i recently had a brush with the unwanted, that ended up in court, sparing details once again (there's just a line that i can't bare yet for my audience, whom i know is just waiting with bated breath, all ONE of you. hi nancy. you already know the dets.), and so i'm a little concerned that i might just let an attacker into my house without realizing it. fortunately, come the end of next month, i'll have a roommate so i won't have to worry about it. but until THEN...WHAT am i gonna do? i already lock myself in...any lock i just unbolt. so what do i do? i would say, install a doorbell that's sure to wake you up whenever someone's at the door, but really? sure to wake me up? i think not. and secondly, i'm a renter. so in my dreams. maybe one of these far-off days when i'm a homeowner. until then...i'm just praying that the horrible creatures that prey on the weak stay at bay. i don't necessarily feel UNsafe where i am. i just don't feel safe on my own, especially in a new city and all. one that has a high DOCUMENTED number of substance abusers (much less the undocumented ones that throw parties next door. i trust him...he's my maintenance man...i just don't trust all his pot-using friends.) so what's a girl to do? just feel unsafe while praying for safety. i mean, statistically, nothing is going to happen to me again. statistically, something was going to happen. now that it has, i'm pretty sure statistics are on my side with this one. but it's just like me to buck statistics. although i passed advanced with (not necessarily FLYING) colors! anyway, do you see why i daydream about a masculine-type protector. he's just a guy, but in my daydreams, he's so much more. it's probably best he stay there for now. up on that white steed. more than likely, i'd just be disappointed again. i mean, my last white-steed-riding masculine like protector jumped off and ran. that's more the norm. i thought i'd gotten really lucky on the first try, but no. i got royally screwed (or as my steed riding coworker said FUBAR-ed..."fucked up beyond all recognition...omg, he's so dreamy. not from that one comment, obviously, but in general, i am FUBAR-ed b/c i'm crushing HARD. i shouldn't have worked tonight, one of the deciding factors was the fact that he was working, however, i did restrain myself from going through the silliness of putting on makeup which i seriously thought about). shit. was looking at a picture of michael. playing with my lip. thought i was just playing with it. apparently i was cutting at it with my fingernail. IDIOT! i am SO stupid. even when i'm not even thinking of it! so freaking stupid. 

?

i suck

i only have 11 pageviews in all of history. my friend, nancy drew, who has had a blog since february, has 570+ pageviews in all of history. but my blog has been up for a year or more i just haven't been posting. but, i'm pretty sure nancy drew is the only person reading. so, for any of you who AREN'T nancy drew, please post a comment so i know you're there. thanks.

Viore

anyone know anything about Voire tvs? i just got my new HD tv in the mail and it won't show any picture from the dvd player! it won't let me see the tv menu, it won't do anything but sit there all black! frustration!!!

also, i found out today that my landlady also has BCBS. YKHC (the hospital) doesn't take her insurance. like, ever. so they probably did have my insurance when i fell and it's not applied to my $4000 (!!!) bill because they don't take it. and the $500 (!) ambulance ride is probably all on me too. stupid alaska! stupid ice! stupid fall!!! see, i'm employed by YK, so if i fell right now, my insurance would cover it. but since it was 16 days away from me being covered by their insurance, i just had my mom's. and nope. they don't accept BCBS. Stupidheads! i'm gonna call and try to convince them to run it one more time anyway. they'll probably say no. but i'm gonna try damnit!

my yupik no more.

that's right, i was brave enough to end it. thank goodness. i'm gonna spare you all the details (b/c i told the story last night and i just don't want to tell it again) but it turns out, i had nothing to be afraid of. we're still friends. we still hang out. the only part that IS disturbing is that he already knew, b/c he came over one morning (i have NO recollection of this, hence, disturbing) and touched me and i was all, what're you doing! we have to talk!" and so he was just waiting for it. but it turned out all right and i'm now "officially" single. i even changed my facebook from "it's complicated" to "single." mucho proud of me. nancy drew is too. which, let's face it, means a lot.

"an unkindness of ravens"

i experienced an unkindness of ravens today. ok, maybe not a whole flock, or "unkindness" as they are really called-people, watch OTH!!!-but at least on two occassions i thought for sure i was about to be attacked on the way to Cama-i. and, i learned that they will drive you mad on the tundra if you interrupt their feeding. they'll taunt a man until he's so dizzy he falls over. AND i learned that they speak Yupik! if you tell them, in Yupik, to do a flip, they WILL! how crazy is that?!

all in all it was a good day. but long and stressful! Cama-i was fun, but again, long and stressful! and i realized tonight that the people i most spend my time with are a bunch of teenage boys that i can't tell anything to! talk about lack of friends. i realized this as i was hanging out with my yupik, and saw myself as a younger more immature me leading a guy along b/c i'm too insecure to be by myself. gah, how long have i been alone and now all of the sudden b/c i have the attentions of a man i can't do without? i SEE where this is going and it's not good. i just keep putting off the conversation that i WANT to have b/c it MAY mean ending all the perks of the relationship (i mean the hanging out. people, get your mind out of the gutter!). i've already rehearsed the conversation. if i can just keep control during it, it'll all turn out ok. we can still be friends. he may feel guilty enough to even give me a few more rides to work. but lets face it, i won't be getting those for much longer afterwards. listen to me! i am a poor excuse for a human being. once a user, always a user (not drugs people! pay attention!). i need to change! but i keep saying to myself, what for? what's the use? it's not like you've got something or someone to move on to. me

pretty damn sure

so, i'm pretty sure i'm sick. notice how all my titles align with my first sentences? yeah, i'm clever that way. so, all night long, the lightheadedness never lifted. no headache, weird eye thing abated, lightheadedness never went. and now, i think i'm running a temp. i mean, all night thought i was. been shaking uncontrollably. and sweaty palms. that's never a good sign. and no sick leave saved up! of course!! have to keep working till i have some!

on to bigger and better things. my yupik left. he's nice. poor thing. he sees a lot more in this relationship than i do. he's all talking about hanging out through the summer and losing weight together. i totally don't see me standing him for that long. oh, don't get me wrong. he's sweet. and i like him. i like him more than a little. i just don't like him more than a lot. maybe it's just me being sick and not really enjoying the company of most people this very second, but i was counting down the minutes till he left. poor thing.

i sent a message to someone i do like more than a lot. here's what it said: "see, the thing is, i can see 3-5 jumps down the line. and we're really good friends. granted, not best friends, and i still tell you more secrets than you tell me, but good friends. problem comes when i don't know if you can see 3-5 jumps down the line. and if you can, if you see what i see. so, i'm royally screwed. lifetime screwed. b/c this is my life. just thought you ought to know." i would love to give him this website. he's the kind of guy i want to know all my secrets. but, is that really what you want in a boyfriend? or what you want in a therapist? i get the two confused sometimes. i want someone to fix me. or just love all of me. see the problem? who knows which?!? the REAL problem is, i can see 15 jumps ahead with this guy. and i'm head over heels. it'll take him 10 jumps to be single. if he ever does get single. thing is, his girlfriend kind of hits him. and i don't like it. not AT ALL. who could hit that precious thing? (seriously, no sarcasm, no baby voice, he's precious. i mean the way God sees him. precious.) anyway, that's a whole nother thing. i mean, despite anything, i really DO see us being good friends. and i see us being good friends FIRST. so i have to get over the she hits him thing so i can be a good friend and be THERE for him. that's what i want. so, this is me getting over myself. no more mention. ok. and the 15 jumps, that's how long it takes him to be ok with the idea of dating someone else. cue, ME. so, can i be friends with him if i'm seeing 15 jumps down the line? definitely. done it before. to men just as precious. am still good friends with a few. (waiting for them to come around. a girl's got to hang on to ground work, ya know? lol) so that i can handle. it's the, does he see us being good friends 3-5 jumps down? really, i don't know. i may have come on a little strong at first. i sometimes forget that i'm not all cute and thin and beautiful like i used to be. the little strong is less strong when you've got all that going for you. and i DON'T. not anymore. so, did i kill it? am i killing it now, over-thinking it? am i gonna screw THIS up too, before it even begins?

Gah, my throat hurts. like scratchy and hurts. i've been coughing a lot tonight. actually moved a little and then couldn't cool down the rest of the night. until now. took a hot shower. soaked in the warmth of it. now i'm not coughing, but my throat hurts. i probably just need some sleep. it'll all be better in the morning, right? it's got to be. ALL of it.

ugh

ugh! i really don't feel good today. and it's hard to explain how i do feel. it's hard to look at the computer, or be outside where it's sunny, not b/c the light hurts my eyes, i mean, it does, but b/c it seems like my eyes are moving at a different rate than my brain. almost like my eyes will move and then my brain will move and it kind of feels like slow motion. it makes me queasy. and i feel lightheaded already. so it's easy for me to feel queasy. i had a headache yesterday, and didn't go to work b/c of it. really i had a hard time getting to sleep so i didn't get enough of it so it's my fault i had a headache. not really. i didn't control not getting to sleep. so i think it's just leftover from sleeping too much yesterday while i was off. either that, or it's just the beginning of some deeper, much more malevolent kind of sick. that would suck. i think i just need to go to work, get up and around, and maybe i'll feel better. i walked across the street to get dinner (for work. i cooked lunch.) at the ONLY recognizable restaurant, subway. i felt like i was swaying walking all the way there, but of course, i couldn't tell b/c i couldn't see anything b/c the sun was so bright. i felt more upright on the way home, only to collapse back in bed seeing everything in muted colors b/c the sun was so freakin bright! so i'm awake now, getting ready to leave for work, as soon as the yupik (that's what i'll refer to him as) comes and picks me up. so, ta ta for now, as tigger would say. wish me luck at work (i think i may need it!)

ps, got to talk to my mom today. so great. wish i got to talk to her more often. maybe at my new apartment i'll have better reception and i can!

Blow my MIND

i totally just blew a coworker(hopefully friend)'s mind with my ranting and raving and totally opening up. a Client blew his lid today, hearing voices that were really his supercharged thoughts, and i just thought, these people have no idea. no idea how crazy i am. how crazy the person they just hired is. crazier than these kids. these kids...they're just missing braincells. mine are CRAZY braincells. seriously. all night tonight, i was hearing voices. i mean, literally hearing people hollering at me that weren't there, hearing kids playing outside that when i checked, WEREN'T THERE, hearing voices that WEREN'T THERE. i'm freakin crazy. and medicated. thank GOD! b/c if i weren't medicated, i'd have flipped a whole lot more than just her mind on the way home. i'd have flipped at work. i'd have flipped on the kid and flipped on the coworker who decided to show up and be a JACK ASS to me. yeah. jack. ass. he complains, IN FRONT OF THE KIDS, that i wrote him up on some dumb ass infraction. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO WRITE PEOPLE UP, I'VE ONLY WORKED HERE A MONTH. and i'm sure not dumb enough to think i'm smart enough to write up someone who's worked there eons longer than me! which is exactly what he thought of me. so he thought it was okay, AFTER I BROUGHT IT UP (if i actually wrote him up, would i be dumb enough to bring it up to him?!?!? NO.), to give me the silent treatment. really? at age, what, 65?, you're gonna be childish enough to give me the FRIKKIN SILENT TREATMENT??? oh. my. freakin. God. so. that's how my night was. how was yours?