pretty damn sure

so, i'm pretty sure i'm sick. notice how all my titles align with my first sentences? yeah, i'm clever that way. so, all night long, the lightheadedness never lifted. no headache, weird eye thing abated, lightheadedness never went. and now, i think i'm running a temp. i mean, all night thought i was. been shaking uncontrollably. and sweaty palms. that's never a good sign. and no sick leave saved up! of course!! have to keep working till i have some!

on to bigger and better things. my yupik left. he's nice. poor thing. he sees a lot more in this relationship than i do. he's all talking about hanging out through the summer and losing weight together. i totally don't see me standing him for that long. oh, don't get me wrong. he's sweet. and i like him. i like him more than a little. i just don't like him more than a lot. maybe it's just me being sick and not really enjoying the company of most people this very second, but i was counting down the minutes till he left. poor thing.

i sent a message to someone i do like more than a lot. here's what it said: "see, the thing is, i can see 3-5 jumps down the line. and we're really good friends. granted, not best friends, and i still tell you more secrets than you tell me, but good friends. problem comes when i don't know if you can see 3-5 jumps down the line. and if you can, if you see what i see. so, i'm royally screwed. lifetime screwed. b/c this is my life. just thought you ought to know." i would love to give him this website. he's the kind of guy i want to know all my secrets. but, is that really what you want in a boyfriend? or what you want in a therapist? i get the two confused sometimes. i want someone to fix me. or just love all of me. see the problem? who knows which?!? the REAL problem is, i can see 15 jumps ahead with this guy. and i'm head over heels. it'll take him 10 jumps to be single. if he ever does get single. thing is, his girlfriend kind of hits him. and i don't like it. not AT ALL. who could hit that precious thing? (seriously, no sarcasm, no baby voice, he's precious. i mean the way God sees him. precious.) anyway, that's a whole nother thing. i mean, despite anything, i really DO see us being good friends. and i see us being good friends FIRST. so i have to get over the she hits him thing so i can be a good friend and be THERE for him. that's what i want. so, this is me getting over myself. no more mention. ok. and the 15 jumps, that's how long it takes him to be ok with the idea of dating someone else. cue, ME. so, can i be friends with him if i'm seeing 15 jumps down the line? definitely. done it before. to men just as precious. am still good friends with a few. (waiting for them to come around. a girl's got to hang on to ground work, ya know? lol) so that i can handle. it's the, does he see us being good friends 3-5 jumps down? really, i don't know. i may have come on a little strong at first. i sometimes forget that i'm not all cute and thin and beautiful like i used to be. the little strong is less strong when you've got all that going for you. and i DON'T. not anymore. so, did i kill it? am i killing it now, over-thinking it? am i gonna screw THIS up too, before it even begins?

Gah, my throat hurts. like scratchy and hurts. i've been coughing a lot tonight. actually moved a little and then couldn't cool down the rest of the night. until now. took a hot shower. soaked in the warmth of it. now i'm not coughing, but my throat hurts. i probably just need some sleep. it'll all be better in the morning, right? it's got to be. ALL of it.