ugh!

so, apparently Manny Garcia (a youtube favorite) had a cover of It's a wonderful world up and youtube takes all covers of that song down. SO, it was up till midnight, and i missed it. then, i get on twitter and apparently Jaime Tworkowski and TWLOHA were in Troy and I'M NOT THERE!!! crap. and postsecret was in washington, and i'm SO close. grah. so now i'm frustrated. and i'm at work covering a graveyard shift. so tomorrow (my actual first day of the week) is going to be terribly long. i have a drs appointment tomorrow...wait, correction, i have a long awaited drs appointment tomorrow. i'm finally gonna get a Rx for all my meds and can get back on them. which is REALLY good b/c i've been off my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for a while now, and hopefully no one can tell, but i'm starting to crumble around the cracks. every day i want to cry over some such nonsense. at least i'm at a point in my life where i can say it IS just nonsense and can move on. but soon, i'll be feeling sorry for myself and the fact that i'm all falling apart. so it's good that i'm getting to my drs. getting a dr in bethel is good. i NEED a go-to guy. so, my coworker here at work, i desperately want him to just take me up in his arms and make the world go away. pathetic, huh? especially since he has a girlfriend he's in love with and is not interested in me at all. i've dealt with that. i'm ok with it. really. doesn't mean i don't still want him to make the world go away. that's a little difficult to shut off. and i so think that he would totally get me if we were together. so that makes it harder. if i just thought he was dreamy but didn't think we were compatible, it would be different. but i can already see us being best friends (i think i've already written about him on here, so i'll try not to repeat myself). so i KNOW we would be compatible. but, he'll just have to make things bright and shiny as my friend for now. but i can still hope, right? right. so, apparently my sleep walking/talking crap is back. i let my yupik in the door the other day without knowing that, and that scares the hell out of me. i mean, ok, i recently had a brush with the unwanted, that ended up in court, sparing details once again (there's just a line that i can't bare yet for my audience, whom i know is just waiting with bated breath, all ONE of you. hi nancy. you already know the dets.), and so i'm a little concerned that i might just let an attacker into my house without realizing it. fortunately, come the end of next month, i'll have a roommate so i won't have to worry about it. but until THEN...WHAT am i gonna do? i already lock myself in...any lock i just unbolt. so what do i do? i would say, install a doorbell that's sure to wake you up whenever someone's at the door, but really? sure to wake me up? i think not. and secondly, i'm a renter. so in my dreams. maybe one of these far-off days when i'm a homeowner. until then...i'm just praying that the horrible creatures that prey on the weak stay at bay. i don't necessarily feel UNsafe where i am. i just don't feel safe on my own, especially in a new city and all. one that has a high DOCUMENTED number of substance abusers (much less the undocumented ones that throw parties next door. i trust him...he's my maintenance man...i just don't trust all his pot-using friends.) so what's a girl to do? just feel unsafe while praying for safety. i mean, statistically, nothing is going to happen to me again. statistically, something was going to happen. now that it has, i'm pretty sure statistics are on my side with this one. but it's just like me to buck statistics. although i passed advanced with (not necessarily FLYING) colors! anyway, do you see why i daydream about a masculine-type protector. he's just a guy, but in my daydreams, he's so much more. it's probably best he stay there for now. up on that white steed. more than likely, i'd just be disappointed again. i mean, my last white-steed-riding masculine like protector jumped off and ran. that's more the norm. i thought i'd gotten really lucky on the first try, but no. i got royally screwed (or as my steed riding coworker said FUBAR-ed..."fucked up beyond all recognition...omg, he's so dreamy. not from that one comment, obviously, but in general, i am FUBAR-ed b/c i'm crushing HARD. i shouldn't have worked tonight, one of the deciding factors was the fact that he was working, however, i did restrain myself from going through the silliness of putting on makeup which i seriously thought about). shit. was looking at a picture of michael. playing with my lip. thought i was just playing with it. apparently i was cutting at it with my fingernail. IDIOT! i am SO stupid. even when i'm not even thinking of it! so freaking stupid.