roomate

my roomate, Robin, really doesn't like me. she's super pissed. did i tell you about the cat fiasco? she apparently is freaked out by my cat. so she tells me to keep my door shut when i'm not home. well, it's not fair to CJ to keep him locked up in the smallest room in the house. well she gets all fired up and talks about how she paid the deposit on the trailer and yadadadada. well, she never asked me to pay part of the deposit when i moved in. we each have our own seperate leases so the trailer is just as much mine as it is hers. so if i want my cat to be able to wander around the living room too, it's none of her affair. he doesn't bother anyone, like he does if he's shut up. if he's shut up he cries until i get home. if her dog is out CJ avoids him like the plague, so it's not anything about the dog. and most of the time he stays in my room. but if i'm gone all day long, i'd like him to have the option of prowling. so i keep my door open despite Robin. not to spite her, but in spite of her. i really don't want bad blood amongst us roomates, but CJ is more important to me. so...that was a few days ago. i haven't seen her since. she hasn't been staying here much since then. so yesterday she texts me about the power bill. i owe 61$. well, i text her today and ask if she took into account that i've only been here 2/3 of the month, so shouldn't it be 40$ that i owe? she texts me back "whatever, i don't care." so...apparently she's done with it. i really hate that she feels this way. but i'm living in the smallest room in the trailer, and i mean it's tiny. it's half the size (if not less) of the other bedrooms. so if i had a bigger bedroom, maybe i would shut my door. but it's really not fair to CJ, and Mary Helen agrees. she has no problem with it. i just hate that all this is happening and that Robin feels bad.

built a desk

so, i've been trying to enter blogs the past few days but my internet hates me. well, the fact that it's not really my internet, i'm stealing it, may have something to do with it. ok. well, it's late and i'm....well....not tired. but i should be. so i'm gonna go to bed.

Chi Alpha

i had the best night! but it's midnight so i'll have to tell you tomorrow.

lately

so...haven't written in a few days. well...this one's gonna be short. i'm exhausted. school is gonna be crazy this year. i dunno how i'm gonna do it. i'm just so tired after four classes MWF! well, F i only have 3. but still. and fortunately i have a sign class on TR so i can get in some practice. but it's supposed to be about interpreting not sign.

i made a friend today. and found an old acquaintance. i ran into a guy i had Chemistry w/ at TSUM and we swapped numbers b/c neither of us knows anybody, and i made a friend with a girl named Amberli in my ASL class.

i went to wesley foundation tonight...it left quite a lot to be desired. i mean...it was good for what it was...i guess...but it wasn't all that. but the bible study was ok. but there was one guy there that was a knowitall. and i guess he should be, he's looking to be an episcopal priest. but still, he like...shut everyone down. even the pastor. i dunno. i'm going to Chi Alpha tomorrow night though for worship. hopefully it will be better. because i thought with Troy being a college town there would be more fellowship that i was looking for. maybe it was just hopeful thinking and i should've moved to birmingham instead. but after this is all over i'll be in colorado again so it will be okay.

i guess i've sort of lost my desperation high. i wish i hadn't. maybe i'll find it again at en fuego this weekend. *yay* barlowgirl!

roomates

so i find out friday night that Mary Helen's dad has found her a job in North Carolina. so if she decides to take it, she'll be moving sometime soon. and Robin just posted a note on facebook where she's looking for someone to replace her on the lease. so basically, i move in and they move out. makes me feel great. i guess if i can try if she or mary helen leaves i'll try to take their lease instead of the one that i'm in so i can have a bigger room. although...i kinda like my room. my smaller room will stay less dirty. who knows. i guess we'll just have to see how it goes.

i went to "church" at Wesley Foundation. it was all liturgy and stuff. we had communion and sang hymns out of the Methodist Hymnal....there were only like 10 people there. i won't be going back. i will try their wednesday night service though. it's supposed to be contemporary. we'll see.

todaytoday

so, i'm bored today. i slept most of yesterday, i have church tonight. i went to a movie friday night with mary helen. we went and saw tropic thunder. which was so bad it was almost good. but not quite. it had it's funny moments. and good cameos. it made fun of people with learning disabilities and developmental disabilities. i almost walked out. if i had been alone i would have. the people in front of us did. after a particularly awful display of cuss words, they left. but it was nice to go out and have someone to hang out with. have i told you about my roomates? they're both beautiful and skinny and nice. they both have guys (technically only Robin's guy is her "boyfriend") and they're both so friggin happy. makes me sick. not really. makes me jealous. but i have the best pet. CJ is the best. better than those DOGS. lol. although both of their dogs are really sweet. they're puppies though so they're rambunctious. so, those are about all the thoughts i have for the day. it's cold so i'm gonna crawl back in bed under the covers and do what i've been doing all day....reading textbooks. funfunfun.

classes

so, my ASL 1 class is gonna be fun. like i told you yesterday. my computer class is gonna be hard! i dunno about my health psych class b/c the teacher wasn't in town yet. new professor and he was on his way. fortunately he did have another teacher come in and tell us that. which was good. and today i have my introduction to interpreting. it's supposed to have prereqs. so i may drop it and add advanced general psychology. i think i am going to do that. right now. ok. done. now i just have to go to class today and figure out if i want to drop it or not. could i take 5 classes??? i don't think so. but it depends on my job status. and i would have to decide between advanced general psych or introduction to interpreting. it just depends. i dunno. too much to think about right now. we'll just have to see.

newness

Julia now lives in Troy AL with two roomates, two dogs, and a cat. all of which live inside an "extended" trailer. not to be confused with a double wide. they're bigger.

i added that to my facebook profile today. it's true...they are bigger. but who ever said bigger was better???....wait...what's that?? everybody says that???? CRAP. lol. my room is the smallest of the three. i think my storage room in Prattville is bigger. literally. but i got all my crap in there. well, obviously not ALL my crap. i only brought two guitars. and only 5/6ths of my movies. but cj didn't have to sacrifice anything. except that my bed is now smaller. oh...excuse me...he's correcting me...HIS bed is now smaller. but he's glad there's easier access to his food and litter box. doesn't even have to leave the room. thank God it's covered and all that. so my room doesn't smell or anything. i bought a collapsable laundry hamper, so i don't have clothes all over the floor either. and my classes aren't until 1pm on any given day, so i can get a morning job. hopefully i'll get a work study job at school during the days. mornings anyhow. and then work nights and weekends at Sonic. if they'll ever friggin call me back! they said it would be a couple of weeks...WITHIN a couple of weeks. so...maybe. so i'm putting a lot of hope into this work study position. pray that i get it. i kind of thought that the Sonic job was a sure thing. that's what they made it sound like. but...it's ok. it will all work out. i'll find a job somewhere. hopefully two. and i got some money from my investment fund. it'll hold me over for a couple of months. and then my loan money will come through. and hopefully next semester i can get assistance from vocational rehabilitation for living expenses. rent and such. they do that apparently! sometimes they even do meal plans. that is exactly what i need. then i could save the rest of the money that i make. and with this interpreter's program, i can get a job straight out of college. easypeasy.

i cooked dinner for my roomate and her boyfriend and myself tonight and we all watched a movie. Robin and Jacob. that's their names. i haven't seen much of Mary Helen. i invited her to have dinner with us, but she had a barbecue to go to. oh well, she's the one missing out. right? yeah. whatever. she has friends to hang out with, and i had to force my other roomate to hang out with me by bribing her and her boyfriend with food and a movie.

my sign language class (ASL 1) seems like it's going to be fun. our teacher is hearing impaired. completely deaf. she was asking us something and then turned her back and i answered her and the guy next to me was like...dude...she's deaf. i was so embarrassed. yes i know she's deaf, but this is all new to me. but i'll get used to it. ok. cj got in my lap and told me to get off. so i'm gonna go to bed. talk to you soon!

move

so, i'm moved in! after a long day of work, i got a kid from my church and his dad and little brother and my little brother to help us load up a truck my dad rented. then we drove to Troy and found the trailer (after much searching...the trailer park is huge!) and my roomate Robin, and her boyfriend Jacob helped us unload. i had a very busy morning, running around Troy University campus. i got advised, and registered for my last class. one of my sign language classes is supposed to have a pre-req, but it's not in the system yet. they said i could still take it but that i may want to drop it after i start to attend. i hope if i do drop it, one of my psych classes comes open. i went to the financial office to see about my book voucher, and i learn that it hasn't gone through. so i had to track down the vocational rehab troy liaison here in troy and get her to email troy and so then i went and bought my books. two of them weren't in so i had to special order them. then i came home and unpacked my entire room. now i'm stealing some internet to write this. so i'm gonna get off and take a nap or something b/c i'm TI-RED oh, i forgot. my roomate has a blue-eyed beautiful Siberian Husky puppy. just the kind of puppy i want. CJ hates him but they'll get used to each other. i'm anxious to see Cj's reaction to Mary Helen's puppy. and i'm anxious to meet Mary Helen. so...yeah, i keep getting distracted writing this, so i'm gonna go.

tomorrow

i probably won't post tomorrow b/c i have to work in the morn and then i'm moving around 5pm!!!!!! so, this is a quick one between packing and moving stuff around my room, and cleaning. so....yay!

status

i wish i could know his status. and his status with her. this sounds so clay aiken, but i wish i could be a fly on his wall. why does it still hurt? why?

logistics

so, i know the logistics now. i'm moving sunday evening. i get off work at 430 and hopefully a couple guys from my church are going to come help us load up and unload a truck that we're going to rent. Daddy's gonna drive the truck, i'll drive my car, Mary Helen (my new roomate...it's her trailer) won't be there but Robin, my other roomate, will be there. i hope this will all work. vocational rehabilitation isn't sure though that the money they're paying my school will transfer, so we're still waiting on that. but today was my last day at Habitat. it wasn't sad though, it's not like i worked with anyone in the office. it was just me by my lonesome.
my left hip has been hurting me. you know, the right one i get epidurals for, and they work great, but now that it's feeling better, my left hip flares up. Murphy's law and all.
i found a poem i wrote...it's a sad one. dunno when i wrote it, but it must have been sometime when i didn't have anything with me to write on b/c it was written in one of my day planners. i know i was dating michael when i wrote it. anyways, here goes...

i feel forgotten
drowning in a sea of helplessness
i am not my own
so to be forgotten is like death
wasted space
a useless vessel
left in the background
unnoticed
left to acquire dust
to be taken for granted
to forget my own purpose
to be unmoving
forgotten

i give all that i am
there is nothing left of me
for me

Troy

so, i'm moving. and not in the future (tho i may....) or in the near future...but tues. sunday actually. maybe. i'm not quite sure of the logistics yet. but i'm moving. i packed today. and i mean completely packed. except for the last minute load of laundry, which will also serve as my clothes until i move/unpack.
i haven't even started to think about my story today. my memoir. lol. that just sounds funny to me. my own memoir. i haven't lived enough to have a memoir. memoirs are for somebody famous or someone who's done something. but it's the best word i have for what i'm writing. it's called "A Slow Fade." inspired by none other than Casting Crown's and their song "A Slow Fade" also inspired by Ben DeVries and his " A Delicate Fade" which is a book that i wish my story will one day resemble. i encourage you to check out both.
so...what's on my mind today? not a whole lot. i've just been crazed about this move. i found a job today, told both my employers that i was leaving today, took a tour of the campus today, enrolled in classes today, unenrolled in montgomery campus classes today, worked today, packed today, filled out some forms for the school today, called and notified (and upset by notifying) my vocational rehab person that i was moving today (she freaked out and was all...i dunno what to do, TSUM already has your money, i dunno if they'll move it, i have to call my liaison....call me back tomorrow.) and just EVERYTHING TODAY. i've decided i'm taking my 12 string and my acoustic bass guitar with me. and not my six string.
i wonder if i have any readers. if you're reading this...comment. so i know i'm being read. ok? ok. ok.

Camp Iwannakia

hopefully i'm moving. like, by next week. to Troy, AL. maybe i'll make new friends. and find a good church. and i'll have to find a job. and well, i just don't know. i'll find out tomorrow. i go to troy tomorrow to look at the campus and talk to someone about the programs. all i have to do to change campuses is fill out one form. not even a whole form. the top of a form. and get it approved and faxed from the old campus (montgomery) to the new campus (troy). i want so badly to be surrounded by good Christian people. it'll be scary to be on my own, paying my own rent and all, but i can't wait. i have to find a job. that's priority numero uno. i found some stuff going through all the boxes last night. some memory stuff. and some stuff i'd been missing. like practically ALL my jewelry. gold and diamonds and everything. just stuffed in a box and put in a storage room. not like i have a ton of gold and diamonds. i know that made it sound like i do. but i have some. some i have with me. but some of it was in storage. and i found it. i was stoked. but my favorite thing i found was my guitar pick necklace that Brian made me and a cross i had bought and the chain broke, but i made it work onto my guitar pick necklace. so now i'm wearing that with my scroll necklace. and i found a ring that i always liked, if it had thorns it would be Jesus' crown of thorns. so i'm wearing it on my left ring finger. like a promise ring. i want it to be my promise ring. i'm tired of looking for comfort and acceptance through physical encounters. it's not like i sleep around or anything, but it's not hard to get to kiss me. and i'm tired of that. i'm worth more than just some random make-out session. so even though it's scary for me, to stand up for myself, i'm promising to myself and to God that i'm going to make a go of it.

my counselor told me something funny today. and complimentary. and...i dunno. it was....i can't describe. well, i guess i'll just tell you. she told me i was fascinating. no one's ever told me i was fascinating. that i could peak someone's interest like that, that someone would be interested in me, not in a physical or romantic way, but interested in ME. that i "fascinate" them.

i found the script for "camp iwannakia" today. and read through it. it was so funny. that was one of the best shows i ever did. i had a lead. it was a play at _tag. for those of you who don't know, _tag (take and give) was my youth group at NewLife church in Colorado Springs. Brent Parsley is the youth pastor there and is awesome. i still listen to his podcasts. see my facebook notes for an excerpt. it's so funny.

so, my cat just bit me, twice, hard. i guess he thinks i'm not paying enough attention to him.....seriously?....i'm bleeding! i just kicked him out of my room. serves him right. "i got him, i got the little bastard!"~Victor

michael and me

The cast list was up for The Wiz, my first high school production I would be in. as I approached the big wooden door of the choir room I found several parts next to my name. Tornado, poppy, Wiz dancer, and Quadling. No speaking parts for me. It was okay though, I was a dancer anyway.

At the first rehearsal I saw the lion, tinman, scarecrow, and Dorothy do one of their scenes. They approached the gatekeeper to request entrance to the emerald city. I recognized the gatekeeper as Michael. One of my friends had a crush on him and no wonder, he was kind of tall with brown hair that was brushed to the side. He had deep brown eyes and prominent features. Attractie, but I was more interested in the tinman. A redhead and a football player. I intended to get to know him and request a ride home, since I was only a freshman and had no car.

As rehearsal concluded, I approached him as he was gathering his things. “I was wondering if you could maybe give me a ride home?” I asked tentatively. He looked up and flashed a wide grin. “I’d love to but I have work right after this. I’ll help you find a ride though,” he replied. Darn. He called Michael over and told him I needed a ride. Michael, of course, was more than happy to oblige.

The ride home was awkward. But pleasant. He made attempts at conversation as I clung to the door afraid to make a food of myself. After all, he was an attractive senior and I was about to spend every day of the next three months seeing him. Fortunately, I made it safely home, perhaps appearing slightly shy.

After that, whenever I was in need of a ride, I simply went to him. We were able to make pleasant conversation. After I got over my initial fear of looking like a dork, we found ourselves sitting next to each other backstage, just enjoying each other’s company.

Then, one day, my friend approached me looking very solemn. “I just found out that Michael likes you,” she said. “Wow,” was the only reply I could muster since I had had friends steal guys away from me in the past. I knew what she was going through. I simply asked her what she wanted me to do. “Well, do you like him?” she asked. I hadn’t really thought of what I felt before. It wasn’t ever an option since she liked him. “Well, I guess I do.” And that was that. She had given me her ‘blessing’ so to speak. I was awestruck as she walked away. A guy who I thought was out of my league actually liked me. And I like him. Perfect.

~

Every time I saw Michael, my heart jumped. And we were the talk of the cast…even though there wasn’t much to talk about. The situation really became public at the cast party.

A room was reserved at Chili’s. It was the only restaurant that would let the cast come. The parties got a little crazy.

We were all sitting around two large tables waiting for our food. Everyone was involved in their own conversations. All of the sudden, Brian, who was a monkey in the show, called everyone’s attention for a toast. Raising his glass, he announced, “I would like to make a toast to Michael and Julia!” I could feel my face slowly turn every shade of red at this remark. Fortunately the laughter died down as the food began to arrive.

~

The cast was gathered around the swimming pool at the “after cast party” party. The all night party. It was about one o’clock in the morning. Everyone was talking and laughing. Out background music was some guys playing guitar. A few people were swimming despite the cold weather. Michael approached me and casually asked to talk to me. We left the crowd and found an empty room. We sat down on the couch and made casual conversation. I could tell something was on his mind. Something that wasn’t going to be good for me. I just wanted to get it over with.

“So what did you want to talk to me about?” I cautiously asked. “Well,” he began, “you know I like you, but some of my friends have been telling me some stuff about you,” he said. I didn’t know what to think. It wasn’t the first time people had said negative things about me. With no grounds. I’d only been in two relationships and both of them lasted less than two weeks. I was never really a ‘social butterfly’ and I had only recently received my first real kiss. But people always had a tendency to talk about how ‘slutty’ I was.

Sure that I was about to hear the worst and that my chance with Michael was now gone. I threw caution to the wind. “Who? What did they say?” Now he was the once proceeding cautiously, since I was on the verge of tears.

“I’m not going to tell you who. And all they said was that you move fast and I should be careful. But you haven’t given me any reason to believe them, so I don’t. Julia, I really like you. But since I’m about to graduate I don’t want a ‘serious relationship.’ I just want to date you. I was really nervous about talking to you tonight. I hadn’t really decided whether or not to kiss you when we came in here. I have butterflies in my stomach now.”

‘Wow. I gave a guy butterflies. He’s as nervous as I am. He wants to kiss me. He feels the same way I do.’ These thoughts tore through my head.

“Well, have you decided yet? Whether or not to kiss me, I mean.”

“I think in five seconds I’m gonna kiss you ‘cause I’m too nervous right now.”

Michael took my hand and put down a finger as each second passed. As he put the fifth finger down, he put his hand beneath my chin and gently drew my face to his. He softly kissed me. We kissed for what seemed like forever. Until we stopped. The time that had passed was not nearly long enough. He looked me straight in the eyes. It was as if he was looking into my soul in that brief moment. Then he pulled my face to his. Not to kiss. Just to be near me. Then he kissed my forehead and let go.

his love

i wonder if he's better with her than he was with me. he was emotionally abusive. he never followed through. he made me feel less than i am worth. he didn't have his own goals. he relied on me more than any man should. i never felt good enough for him. he never reassured me. he barely noticed me. when i was sad, he never noticed. when i had a wonderful day and was looking for someone to share it with, he never noticed. i'm better off without him. then why do i miss him so much? why do i feel incomplete without him? why do i still love him? i thought he was the apostle paul....he was a doubting thomas, he was a judas. (if you know aaron stern, you know what i mean by looking for the apostle paul) i feel like i have no value, he never told me otherwise. no one has. i have value through Christ. why do i feel so alone then?

memories

i spent the evening digging through boxes in my storage shed looking for an old journal. isn't that sad? well, there was a reason for it. i've decided to write down everything that i've learned up until now. a memoir of sorts. i've been through so much, and i just have this thing in my soul that tells me to write...hence this blog. and all the blogs that have come before. my soul just shouts for me to put SOMETHING on paper...anything. so i write poetry, and songs, journals, but i'd like to branch out. when i was little i used to write stories. i've lost a lot of my creativity, but i can make my life into a story. that much i can do. i wrote a story about me and michael once. about our first kiss. i think it was good. so we'll go from there. or from before there. you'll just have to see.

her love

can't you see she doesn't love you? i'm so sorry. i feel sad for you. but you have to see. i can't see you go through this pain. i wish i could take it away for you. but i feel so much pain myself. i guess i can't see he doesn't love me either. but i've stopped writing love letters....stopped crying myself to sleep...stopped avoiding the disaster that is this thing. this love thing.

i'm watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager. fifteen and having a baby. or not having a baby. as the case may be. i dunno yet. still watching. i can't imagine having a baby right now....at least not by myself. but in this show, she's not by herself. she has a boy who loves her and wants to marry her. now, granted, their fifteen....but at least she's not alone. if i were to have a baby, and i want to, i would hope the father would be with me. i mean, really with me. not just involved, but a family member. i don't want to be alone. will i be alone? only God can say. sometimes i think that is what he wants from me. in my darkest days i think that. you know, my plan....my plan was to be married at 21. first baby by 25. 25 is quickly approaching, and i'm no where near close.

"she wants out. out of her life. she wants to be loved. by her baby, by me, by ben...."

share the love

i got to share my faith today in a gas station. waiting for their car to be fixed, i sat next to this lady and her daughter. i {smoothly} took out the book i'm reading, DC Talk's Revolutionaries. after closing the book, this sparked a conversation with this woman, and i began sharing about people who live life for the Lord and are making a revolution not only in their own hearts and minds, but in the world, impacting a huge number of people sharing the gospel. it was a brief encounter, but i know it touched her heart, and mine. God is so incredible to use little moments like that to spread seeds in our culture. He's amazing.

i'm sorry

i'm sorry i did it. i wish i could've said no. i wish i had the courage. i wish i could have found the courage through my faith. God has forgiven me. how do i forgive myself? i've been told in a sermon that God forgives, and the enemy will try to use photographic thinking with you, memories that haunt you. i can see you in my mind's eye...i know i'm not meant to. God dwells within me, and your image will not move that Rock.

i can't believe you made me doubt. you made me doubt my faith, my salvation, my one true love. i forgive you because you're my best friend. you are mother to my godchildren. you are my spiritual ideal. and you made me doubt. ...you didn't make me doubt, the enemy made me doubt. and now the question, if i am able to be made to doubt, is there reason for the doubt? no. i will not ask that question. it only brings more doubt. i love my Savior, He IS my Savior, i am secure in my faith. don't make me doubt again. i love you, but don't make me leave you b/c you make me doubt. i love you and my godchildren. but i love my God more.

Jesus' thoughts

"and then the remembering came, driving away the random voices of censure, the remembering...of every single solitary thing i'd ever done in this, my earthly existence. it was not a sequence. it did not have the order of words written on parchment from one side of the column to the other, and then back again and again and again. yet it was unfolding. and sparkling in the density were the moments of pain--of loss, of fear, of sudden regret, of grief, or discomforting and tormented amazement. pain, like the stars themselves, each moment with its own infinitesimal shape and magnitude. all of those memories drew themselves around me as if composing a great garment that was my life, a garment that wrapped itself around and around and over and under until it encased me like my skin, completely. sometime before morning, i understood something. that i could, without the slightest effort, hold any and all of these moments in my mind; that they coexisted, these varied and time and countless agonies. little agonies. when the morning came and the bitter wind died in the glare, i walked on, letting these countless moments come, letting my mind fling them in my own eyes and at my own lips. i went on remembering. in the night i awoke. was this my own voice reciting what was written? "'and every secret thing shall be opened and every dark place illuminated'" dear God, no, do not let them know this, do not let them know the great accumulation of all of this, this agony and joy, this misery, this solace, this reaching, this gouging pain, this...but they will know, each and every one of them will know. they will know because what you are remembering is what has happened to each and every one of them. did you think this was more or less for you? did you think-? and when they are called to account, when they stand naked before God and every incident and utterance is laid bare- you, you will know all of it with each and every one of them! i knelt in the sand. is this possible, Lord, to be with each of them when he or she comes to know? to be there for every single cry of anguish? for the grief-stricken remembrance of every incomplete joy? oh, Lord, God, what is judgment and how can it be if i cannot bear to be with all of them for every ugly word, every harsh and desperate cry, for every gesture examined, for every deed explored to its roots? and i saw the deeds, the deeds of my own life, the smallest, most trivial things, i saw them suddenly in their seed and sprout and with their groping branches; i saw them growing, intertwining with other deeds, and those deeds come to form a thicket and a woodland and a great roving wilderness that dwarfed the world as we hold it on a map, the world as we hold it in our minds. dear God, next to this, this endless spawning of deed from deed and word from word and thought from thought--the world is nothing. every single soul is a world! i started to cry. but i would not close off this vision--no, let me see, and all those who lifted the stones, and i, i blundering, and James' face when i said it, "i am weary of you, my brother," and from that instant outwards a million echoes of those words in all present who heard or thought they heard, who would remember, repeat, confess, defend...and so on it goes for the lifting of a finger, the launching of the ship, the fall of an army in a northern forest, the burning of a city as flames rage through house after house! dear God, i cannot...but i will. I WILL. i sobbed aloud. i will. o Father in Heaven, i am reaching to You with hands of flesh and blood. i am longing for You in Your perfection with this heart that is imperfection! and i reach up for You with what is decaying before my very eyes and i stare at Your stars from within the prison of this body. but this is not my prison, this is my Will. "this is Your Will." i collapsed weeping. and i will go down, down with every single one of them into the depths of Sheol, into the private darkness, into the anguish exposed for all eyes and for Your eyes, into the fear, into the fire which is the heat of every mind. i will be with them, every solitary one of them. "i am one of them! and i am Your Son! i am Your only begotten Son! and driven here by Your Spirit, i cry because i cannot do anything but grasp it, grasp it as i cannot contain it in this flesh-and-blood mind, and by Your leave i cry." i cried. i cried and i cried. "Lord, give me this little while that i may cry, for i've heard that tears accomplish much..." alone? you said you wanted to be alone? you wanted this? to be alone? you wanted the silence? you wanted to be alone and in the silence. don't you understand the temptation now of being alone? you ARE alone. well, you are absolutely alone because you ARE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN DO THIS! what judgment can there ever be for man, woman, or child--if i am not there for every heartbeat at every depth of their torment? the dawn came. the dawn came again and again. i lay in a heap as the sand blew over me. and the voice of the Lord was not in the wind; and it was not in the sand; and it was not in the sun; and it was not in the stars. it was inside me. i'd always known who i really was. i was God. and i'd chosen not to know it. well, now i knew just what it meant to be the man who knew he was God."
~ Anne Rice
Christ the Lord the Road to Cana