her love

can't you see she doesn't love you? i'm so sorry. i feel sad for you. but you have to see. i can't see you go through this pain. i wish i could take it away for you. but i feel so much pain myself. i guess i can't see he doesn't love me either. but i've stopped writing love letters....stopped crying myself to sleep...stopped avoiding the disaster that is this thing. this love thing.

i'm watching The Secret Life of the American Teenager. fifteen and having a baby. or not having a baby. as the case may be. i dunno yet. still watching. i can't imagine having a baby right now....at least not by myself. but in this show, she's not by herself. she has a boy who loves her and wants to marry her. now, granted, their fifteen....but at least she's not alone. if i were to have a baby, and i want to, i would hope the father would be with me. i mean, really with me. not just involved, but a family member. i don't want to be alone. will i be alone? only God can say. sometimes i think that is what he wants from me. in my darkest days i think that. you know, my plan....my plan was to be married at 21. first baby by 25. 25 is quickly approaching, and i'm no where near close.

"she wants out. out of her life. she wants to be loved. by her baby, by me, by ben...."